It Reflects On You

I take it personally when "friends" decline my wedding invitations. The attitude simply reeks of shallow memory and self-centred pre-occupations. To these people, it reflects on you!

The sour stench instantly becomes so overbearing that beyond my stubborn will (not that I resist a lot, really), I've decided we are no longer friends. It certainly reflects on me.

Those tacky F-words

I've decided that friends are not really up to me to decide. Because the only good I get out of jumping to conclusions (thinking they are friends when they aren't) is a hearty slap on the cheek when I extend wedding invitations.

Ok, so it's nothing physical, but they do (kindly) reject my goodwill, which still amounts to a non-negligible portion of hurt. Either ways, my reaction remains the same: "Ouch!"

Reality checks amidst my wedding preparations - extremely helpful, extremely unwelcome ;)

Best Friend

It's a mental block that we're always back at this crossroad.

We halt reluctantly, agonize against our will, make a grateful roundabout, yet ultimately seek the misery of this familiar scene.

Your concern is unbelievably detached. You are amazingly impervious to my moods.

Any allusion to the putting in of effort utterly disengages you. I hate you only because I love you so. I hate myself.

When I

I close my eyes and find no respite,
I listen into the darkness and hear only pain;

My hands give no warmth,
My lips offer no taste;

I'd thought it was because I couldn't live without you;
But really, I merely couldn't live with this.

I Dream

Egocentric is my nature. Has always been; and the day I was finally able to distinguish other from self, it only served to define me better.

In true egocentric spirit, I envision a world where I am appreciated. Much as you're convinced that there can only be this ugly side to me, I choose to revel in the illusion that a gem lies within. Like all things precious, it is not loud and does not flaunt, but waits to be discovered. A soulmate does not come by easily. He may never emerge if he does not persevere, or misses that speckle of dazzle beneath the dirt.

And he may never emerge.

Success - Ralph Waldo Emerson
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To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.
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Success is not happiness.

Of Wedding Bells and Touching Vows

All this talk of romantic vows and memorable bluff started to ring a bell:

I Won't Last a Day - Carpenters
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When there's no getting over that rainbow,
When my smallest of dreams won't come true.
I can take all the madness the world has to give,
But I won't last a day without you.
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Panadol

Effective for headaches and heartaches alike. This wonder drug is my saving grace.

Without which I would have died a million times; without which my sore reliance will stop me from breathing.

The best thing about painkillers is that there are so many varieties to choose from. Panadol Extra, with Caffeine, time-release capsules, for Flu, for muscle tension etc. Each version brings with it a unique stomach-churning experience, and confers much grateful relief from the distraction of novelty.

Sanity is a myth; at least when it's me we're talking about. I spend all my time trying to appear normal when I'm not. And it doesn't just involve wearing a mask in front of others, it's a constant strive to find a whole gamut of accompanying outfits and embelishments, in the feeble hope that someone might not see through the loopholes. Perhaps it's just me I'm trying to convince.

Every so often, some discerning soul points out the peeping inconsistencies, and I am crushed.

I've grown to take consolation in the fact that I could never become crazy. Just don't remind me.

Wandering, Wondering

Purple are the tulips that devote themselves to you; purple is the gold that remains forever true.

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I don't like to think how I would be now, if this time last year, you had not found me. No doubt I would be happy still (I make it a point to give myself that), but I wonder if one more wrong relationship would not finally mark the repose of an already faltering belief in goodness, which for so long I have stubbornly clung onto.

People say you win some, and you lose some. Did I not say that with the stiff chill brings acute sentience? A heart of mush is no device for sharpened discourse, but that's what has been happening since you obliterated my doubt with your charming sashes of hope, joy and love. Now my pen has lost its edge, but this loss I gladly undertake.

It's been some time since those good times first began, and I once told you that there are good times, and then there are good times. Because those exhilarating good times seem to fade all too soon into the subtle warmth and peace of routine, and one so easily loses the initial conviction of holding-on, when all the pomp and grandeur have moved on. What's left is just the two of us, bare to the test of happiness that truly concerns, affects no one, but you and me. When I can no longer lend happiness to this relationship from the blessings and celebrations of others, will we still make it?

You have shown me that YOU shall always be my reason to keep believing. Not that perfect set of dentist teeth; not that absolutely huggy tummy. Not your silly dances or witty remarks; but really, what 'good times' has become for me.

At first, when we were just hanging out, good times were your gentle, polite ways coupled with those occasional unassuming jokes. You were always patient, always sweet, always truthful. And then we started going out. Good times were the assurance of my hand in yours, the teddy bear hugs that you would always remember to give me when we meet (even when it was me who requested and then forgot), the good-natured manner in which you humoured my million-and-one questions, the sleep you sacrificed just so I could jibber on into the night. As we grew closer, good times were how you unconsciously began talking in my childish language, the silly poses you strike for no good reason, when you carried me to bed and tucked me in, even though it was right in the middle of your soccer game. Now, there are some things you still do, some that you indulge me once in a while, some that have ceased to be significant between us. Yet other sweet gestures have taken their place, and as they are added to my collection of special memories, they only constantly endear you to my heart. Like the excitement that motivated you to plan for our trip excited me too. The fact that you took the initiative to find photographers for our wedding makes me so honoured to be your bride.

They say that all good times come to an end. But what should it matter, when those good times, they keep coming back in a better way :)

So the test of time is not about stamina and endurance after all. What was there right from the start does not need Time to develop or justify. Through time, we simply uncover the truth.

Inspiration Roadtrip

It's a wonder when you're stuck in the tiny crevice of a coach bus (what with the perennial issue of insufficient leg space) faced with an endless expanse of wilderness staring in at you that the music floating through your earphones resembles lurking voices in your mind that blatantly try to brainwash you in your consciousness. And the lyrics that caught my attention go:

Can I take your smile home with me?

It's a pick-up line worthy of the heartbreaking consequences that almost certainly follow impetuousness of this kind.

But the line that stole my heart takes the form of (and I paraphrase):

You look prettier everytime I see you; think I need to get my eyes checked.

I don't understand it either :o

Meander

I'm trying so hard to find my way into the recesses of your heart. To understand why I could not have a place within that coveted spot. You've closed your heart so as to accommodate exactly one person; no more. No consolation prizes for those who just fall short.

Out of reach is your measure. I don't know why I even seek to measure up.

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In an age where tragedies become classics, and protagonists who end their lives prematurely forever secure a position in public consciousness, perhaps holding on to the past also constitutes a form of eternity.

Before It All

Compliments are selfish pieces of advice that you force into a person's consciousness. Because then they are duty bound according to your specifications, without having asked for it. Suddenly, they are thrown a reputation they have not the slightest inkling of how to preserve; because you see, most of us get into this privileged position by accident - a beautiful one, of course - and so we spend the days after trying too hard to maintain what was already working perfectly well without us investing all that extra effort. The only apparent way out would be to disregard your extolments and carry on as before. But to appear disdainful? I'm not sure it's a step worthy individuals consider prudent.

Which is why I am going ahead with the niceties. What better way to gauge my standing in your heart? :p

One year whizzes by and then the roller-coaster ride, like all good things, thrusts into a reluctant halt. It's here I get off this comfy, unforgettable, tremendous, marvelous drive, and wave my most intense blessings as the rest of you keep going with the tide. The distance between you and me forges into an inexplicable pit in my throat, and all the words in the world that I normally have no problems delivering are translated into silence at the edge of my now faltering lips.

I gain some composure as I try to remain forward-looking, but then my incoherence still betrays the steadied exterior. Where to begin?

I am mighty grateful to have become a part of this leadership, a level of management at which I know only too well is where all the serious politicking takes place. I'm the kind of person who is silly enough to operate on ideal situations (bet on it that I shall always be), stubbornly steadfast on the belief that even though Utopia will never be achieved, it serves as the only end-point towards which I will strive. Because if I aimed for something lower, then I can only expect the result to be far less desirable. So I jumped into this position knowing fully well that I shall be spending the rest of the year trying not to sink; that there is certainly another volunteer out there with a less compulsive conviction to make that difference who would nonetheless churn out a more respectable performance; that sooner than later, I shall be happy for the approaching end of term. But all this simply because I was asked. Selfish, isn't it?

And what of my apprehensions concerning power struggles and convoluted interpersonal relationships, you wonder? I believe in courage above most else. A worthy cause is independent of the person undertaking it. And despite all the possible limitations, the noblest intentions still deserve a go at success.

So well, yes, you've had just about enough of my exaggerated mushiness already. What I'm getting at, is that you guys are an awesome bunch. Whether or not you realize, the attitude and spirit that each person belonging at the conference table presents to each quarterly meeting goes beyond attendance. There are those with whom I have become good buddies, by mere fact that I can always count on them to chalk up the numbers; those who seem to have other commitments more often than not; those who may be there but secretly think it's all humbug and wished they were somewhere else; but so what? Passion is an imposing aura that is not circumscribe to petty inconsistencies.

In the coming years, my hope for this committee is that we recognize the environment in which we function is no reflection of the value of our purposes. So don't lose heart. If blunt words are exchanged, actions misunderstood, and sensitivities bruised, our maturity should teach us to trust that no malice was intended. It's true that oftentimes we feel ourselves inadequate before the multitude of (superfluous) demands heaped upon us, giving us the false impression that we are not making progress; but acknowledge the constraints, not resign to them. You guys have kept me believing, and if ever you needed a reason to continue pushing ahead, know that at least my life has been changed =)