Happiness

When you have once seen the glow of happiness on the face of a beloved person, you know that a man can have no vocation but to awaken that light on the faces surrounding him; and you are torn by the thought of the unhappiness and night you cast, by the mere fact of living, in the hearts you encounter.
- Albert Camus

Albert Camus was born to a French Algerian (pied noir) settler family in 1913. He was an activist, among many things, and like many writers during World War II, reflected his fervent opinions through war-time journalism. Camus remains one of the largest influences in my life. I encountered the absurdist fiction L'Etranger during my undergrad days, and my worldview has not been the same since. Absurdity has to do with the paradox of life as inherently meaningful while the end of which renders much activity pointless. In the novel, Meursault was found guilty of gunning down an Arab. It was irreconcilable why he shot 5 times when he was right on aim at the first try. Yet he didn't appear repentant, at least not in the eyes of the public. Rather, he accepted the consequences with a calm indifference that aggitated every notion of justice. For me, it was an explicit affirmation that it was alright to move on after what's done has been done. The crisp obstinate act of sealing up the past seems to confer infinite courage to the bearer of its message. After all, why choose to live in a shadow?

So, what I'm trying to get at is, that despite Camus' dark stories with their seemingly fatalist undertones, he's an optimist at heart (am I trying too hard or was it totally evident...)! I guess he simply focused the lens the other way. It is perhaps man's instinctive tendency to gather meaning on hindsight. And the moment one considers the imminence of death, all that meaning, as if constructed on a column of air, collapses into the gaping abyss of nothingness. But if only we would realize that in the same way as life was pointless, dwelling on history was only a redundant gesture that is symbolic at best. Instead, look ahead and trudge on. Like the song that goes, "don't stop, never give up".

I think that's why I'm no longer embarrassed when I buy lunch only to have it all crash onto the floor :p I would have to admit that it doesn't help that the stall owners are ever so obliging to refill my plate at no extra charge. But also how very liberating, and I declare my life a happy one with no qualms *blinks proudly* In the end, Camus asserts, that's what life is supposed to be. Your happiness derived from making that possible of others :)

Which brings to mind, I don't think the grudge-bearing (that's what you do when you dwell on the past, isn't it?) accomodates very well within this scheme. I guess I should grow up already.